“It is normal to give away a little of one’s life in order not to lose it all.” – Albert Camus
I just picked myself up off the bed after curling into a ball, crying for an hour. These days it seems as if the highs are higher than I could have ever dreamed of…yet the lows are nearly unbearable and the triggers for the lows are seemingly benign. Guilt, anxiety, anger, hostility, depression, appreciation of life, love, laughter, pride: these are all emotions I have endured over the past 48 hours. More than anything, I worry. Anxiety drenches me, leaving me breathless, draining my energy until none remains. I have tried seeking ways to overcome this roller coaster, but my traditional coping method almost always fails: music. You see, it has been difficult to find relatable lyrics directed towards my particular age group; I find myself feeling older with each passing minute. Time is fleeting. The closest are songs of longing for a loved one; that lost love being my old self. I realize I will never be the person I once was, but I must remain resolved to metamorphose into something better, more meaningful.
In all my self-pity, there is so much thanks to give, and I realize this more often than not these days. I see so much of the world that I had been blinded to, and although emotions are so much more intense than they once were, the emotions do not discriminate. I love more, laugh more, appreciate more, document more, and desire to give more and live more. When I first had to learn how to walk again, I was perfectly content staying in my borrowed wheelchair indefinitely. I was afraid. I knew pain and didn’t believe I could withstand anymore, but I did. Its difficulty is beyond what words can describe, but you likely already know this. Over the past month I finally realized life is a choice. Regardless of your situation, you can choose to trudge on, fighting through your handicap – whatever this handicap may be. And so this is exactly what I did the past month. For the first time in my life, I felt as if I truly LIVED. It was exhilarating…ridiculously painful, but exhilarating!
“Oh, I’ve felt that fire and I’ve been burned But I wouldn’t trade the pain for what I’ve learned I wouldn’t trade the pain for what I’ve learned” – Pink, “Crystal Ball”