Struggles with Wishing for Normalcy

A bracelet I received from my mother for Christmas

A bracelet I received from my mother for Christmas

“It is normal to give away a little of one’s life in order not to lose it all.” 
– Albert Camus
 

I just picked myself up off the bed after curling into a ball, crying for an hour.  These days it seems as if the highs are higher than I could have ever dreamed of…yet the lows are nearly unbearable and the triggers for the lows are seemingly benign.  Guilt, anxiety, anger, hostility, depression, appreciation of life, love, laughter, pride:  these are all emotions I have endured over the past 48 hours.  More than anything, I worry.  Anxiety drenches me, leaving me breathless, draining my energy until none remains.  I have tried seeking ways to overcome this roller coaster, but my traditional  coping method almost always fails:  music.  You see, it has been difficult to find relatable lyrics directed towards my particular age group; I find myself feeling older with each passing minute.  Time is fleeting.  The closest are songs of longing for a loved one; that lost love being my old self.  I realize I will never be the person I once was, but I must remain resolved to metamorphose into something better, more meaningful.

In all my self-pity, there is so much thanks to give, and I realize this more often than not these days.  I see so much of the world that I had been blinded to, and although emotions are so much more intense than they once were, the emotions do not discriminate.  I love more, laugh more, appreciate more, document more, and desire to give more and live more.  When I first had to learn how to walk again, I was perfectly content staying in my borrowed wheelchair indefinitely.  I was afraid.  I knew pain and didn’t believe I could withstand anymore, but I did.  Its difficulty is beyond what words can describe, but you likely already know this.  Over the past month I finally realized life is a choice.  Regardless of your situation, you can choose to trudge on, fighting through your handicap – whatever this handicap may be.  And so this is exactly what I did the past month.  For the first time in my life, I felt as if I truly LIVED.  It was exhilarating…ridiculously painful, but exhilarating!

Carpe diem.

My ornament project for the entire family

My ornament project for the entire family

The beginning of snow, though it's hard to tell.

The beginning of snow, though it’s hard to tell.

Into the evening as the snow began to accumulate

Into the evening as the snow began to accumulate

Obviously we weren't entirely prepared for the winter wonderland, but I just HAD to make a snow angel

Obviously we weren’t entirely prepared for the winter wonderland, but I just HAD to make a snow angel

Ava enjoying her first snow

Ava enjoying her first snow

A beautiful view of the snow from my parents' backyard.  East Texas, some days I miss you.

A beautiful view of the snow from my parents’ backyard. East Texas, some days I miss you.

Our family photo just before everyone had to leave to return to their normal lives

Our family photo just before everyone had to leave to return to their normal lives

Finally, I have tried picking the piano back up after 13 months of telling myself I couldn't.  I was rusty, but my foot worked nearly perfectly.

Finally, I have tried picking the piano back up after 13 months of telling myself I couldn’t. I was rusty, but my foot worked nearly perfectly.

“Oh, I’ve felt that fire and I’ve been burned
But I wouldn’t trade the pain for what I’ve learned
I wouldn’t trade the pain for what I’ve learned”
– Pink, “Crystal Ball”
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About Journey to Optimism

I have a perfect dental record and a heart of gold. I volunteer my free time at every opportunity because I believe we can all make a small difference, and through the accumulation of numerous small differences, together, we can make a large difference in this world. I enjoy politics and public policy but not divisiveness, and I absolutely love writing.
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